i want to die awake
with memory like a mouth
and nostrils expanding, stunned
my senses made infant again
awash in a mother’s christening heat

i want to die awake
with flesh wrapped hopes
and dirt beneath my fingernails
ears pressed against fresh ground
eyes wide, capturing every mutation
and with my tongue i want to taste
a knew language

i want to die awake
before the fall of dreams
beyond bedtime tales
unframed by stained and leaden glass
outside the regularity of a hospital wall
all these that turn me
toward the yawning grate

i want to die
on the day before
with no time left... and nothing right...
and love, full, in between

i want to die
as if
as i
as will be
just as I lived
holding you

"To Die Awake" ©2000, 2016 Tobin Mueller

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